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|Sunday, August 15th, 2004|
I like live journal. I actually feel caught up on the events of Mithcell, Rob, Brian, and Anne.
For me life has been preety concistent. I start my graduate level courses soon. I hope I like them. Although I am working in the comper graphics theory area so I think I will quite a lot.
I now have 8 hours of class work. I need nine to be full time and keep my job.
I'm hoping to get permission to work with some proff on my thesis for 1 hour of class work or at least work with some proff on something.
Last night was my friend Nathans b-day party. I felt kinda bad because it was very sedate and ended early. However I always like just chilling talking to Nathan. Especially religion. He's very Cathlic and I'm very agnostic, but that doesn't cause any problems. The only problem is that I can keep up with his ability to argue things. But hey it's still lots of fun.
The old appartment is almost clean. YEAH. I don't think I realy hate the cleaning. I think I just hate the moving.
Walter is doing well. I wait with batted breath to find out his grade for the summer. I think it's going to be good though. He worked hard.
My job is becomming more and more like a real job, but right now I kinda like that. I like the responsiblity and the feeling like I may be realy gettng something acomplished. We will see how I feel about it once I have to balance it and school.
|Monday, September 1st, 2003|
wow I actualy updated my journal.
I don't know for some reason today has left me feeling strangly disoriented and ... tired. Not sleepy just very tired of classes. Not realy of school I like school but I whent to japanese and I was not able to get over how stupid a lot of it was. For some reason I find my mind turning to Brian. Maybe it is because he isn't where he was and I don't know where he is anymore.
Walter has moved out. He's happy about it this is a good thing. My room is very empty though. Only a dissater zone of dirty cloths a desk and a computer without a soul. For some reason the appartment that has been so comforting all summer was dry, dead, empty.
I need to get a bed. Maybe if I am lucky I can pick up a water bed. I don't know though I don't want to buy insurance again. Money is going to be a little tight this month.
For some reson the day seems to streach out forever. With classes I don't particualarly care about going to and work that is good but stressful. And the world just seems so mutable and empty.
|Tuesday, May 6th, 2003|
I think I am going to make it through the semester. My AI paper is going relativly well. And I think I am ready for my test in Networking.
But I may have to pull and all nighter. Wich would be bad because I think I am getting sick.
Stupid sniffles. And stuppid Econ distracting me from worthwile classes.
|Friday, May 2nd, 2003|
Today is being moppy.
To much stuff to do and I'm feeling stressed. Plus my room mate has been in a bad mood recently, and has decided that I'm scum.
I did wake her up 5 mins before her alarm today. Perhaps that's it. Although she was mad at me yesterday also. No quite sure why exactly. I guess because I was not around to pay rent, but I came around. And I intend to drop it in the box today.
Work is being ok, I'm studying some more advanced html and some asp. It's good to study.
My paper still need to get done. In some ways it is very hard.
Networking needs to be studied. Most other things I can blow off.
Just feeling very blah.
I have gaming (RPG) tonight but am having trouble feeling excited or interested in it.
Need to get my car into the shop today.
|Thursday, May 1st, 2003|
quick 5 min break from learning asp
asp looks relativly simple (once I get used to it)
I talked to my new supervisor at work. The new project is both very exciting and very scarry.
Other than that not a lot going on. I need to study and do work for finals.
|Wednesday, April 30th, 2003|
Today is going pretty well.
Walter got sick again this morning. I'm a bit worried about that, since he hadn't had any medication since 6 pm last night. But I think it was the strawberry milk he drank so fast that put him over the edge. Still he is calling the pharmasist today. (or I am but one of us is)
On the up side I got moved to the project I wanted. I'm going to be doing development work baby! YEAHH!
No more reading live journal at work. (It didn't matter when I was doing testing because I just had to set everything up and wait and then I couldn't do much. But now I am going to be making things.)
I'm realy gona try to work hard and do a good job at this. (I tried realy hard when I started testing, but it kinda wears you down. I got to the point where I was just doing my job and not looking for ways to improve it or do it realy well. That should change now.
And maybe it will be easier to get more houres. (at $20 an houre even 5-10 more houres a week makes a LOT of differences in my finances.) Right now it's frustrating because I make a lot of money but most of it goes to car payments. However the car will be payed off by the end of the summer. (Yeah paying my car off in only one year rocks) However, after that I have to start paying for tuition. (My scholarships run out after this semester. Still if I can manage to get out of college with only 4000 dollars in debt total I will be happy.)
Walter's Mom is realy cool in person. I mean she lectured him a little but he probably needed it. I am going to try to incurage him to tell her more about what is going on in his life and all that. I think it would realy improve trust between them, and I think she will be acepting. I don't think they will ever agree about everything, but they don't need to. Sure not telling her things isn't lying, but I just think it would be better.
Plus she know everything important I can think of anyway. (well at least that I know.) Nows the perfect time, the slate is pretty much clean. (It's not like he has a backlog of stuff to tell her.)
Anyway I don't know how sucessful I am going to be but that's going to be my advice.
Oh and Brian's doing pretty well. YEAH!
|Tuesday, April 29th, 2003|
|Monday, April 28th, 2003|
|taking care of people
Well I spent last night trying to keep a couple of friends company and stop them from compleatly loosing it.
Walter said he was ok, and it had been more than a day since his mother posted so I was going to go hang out with Allan, but then Kevin also had issues, and that was to much. I wasn't going to leave both of them alone when they were so obviously miserable.
It's hard to watch him hurt. He is so young and so alone. He's trying realy hard to make it on his own, but that's not easy, and he has made some mistakes in the past. He has applied for I don't know how many jobs latly. He almost got a decent one, just to have something get in the way at the last minute.
I wish he had been more careful about his last one. You always always always double check that they have aproved you having time off. Even when you ask for it before you even get the job.
Walter is dealing with problems with his mother. He's trying so hard not to be hurt, not to care what she thinks he is doing, or that she doesn't believe him, but of course he still does. She's his mother after all and he loves her.
I don't know how I would handle it if I were him. She seems to think he does drugs, and drives drunk, and lots of other realy stupid things. Not to mention lying. And it's very frustrating from my point of view because I know that he isn't taking pills and isn't driving drunk. ( I don't think he lies but I can't prove that while I know the others aren't true)
OWWWWWWWWW------- - - I understand why Walter's mother thinks he's doing drugs. She read his post thanking Kevin for the "stuff" and saying that it worked well.
She doesn't know that it's benardril or nighttime alieve. (I forget exactly what it is but it's an over the counter pain reliever that has stuff in it to make you go to sleep. And he realy realy needed to go to sleep. That should be over on the 5th, but till then I can understand why he needs some help to sleep about once a week.) But it's not drugs. I guess she could be mad about him taking that, but if I were a mother I wouldn't be too worried about nighttime advil.
He wants so bad to tell her everything that has been going on. Set the record straight and not feel like he's hiding anything, but he's afraid that she will only believe him about the bad things. That she will just add them to the list of things she thinks he is doing wrong and will not listen to him about the good things. Then he thinks she is going to basically disown him, and cut all ties with him.
I don't think she will cut all ties. She's a mother after all, and I don't see my mother ever being able to disown me. Of course, my mother is not strongly religous. His mother may not be able to acept that he does not think the way she does about religion. That things she thinks are wrong because the church says they are he may not think are wrong because he's not so sure the church is always right. (Walter has good morals, I know he wouldn't hurt anyone or anything like that but they differ from morman morals a bit.)
Of course honestly it may be better for him if for at least a while.
I don't know how good of a relationship you can have with someone who will not trust you.
It's an ugly cycle. She is a mother and he is never home (because he couldn't stand it. He loves her but the situation was driving him crazy.) so of course she is scared for him. So she asks. He feels hurt that she asks and tells her he's not. But she doesn't believe him because she is worried about him and doens't understand why he is never home. He is hurt that she doesn't trust him, so he stops telling her things. He doesn't tell her about the bad things that happen in his life because he is afraid that she will jump to conclutions. And of course she feels he is not being honest with her so she sees it as proof that he is lying.
I don't know if or how it can be fixed. Maybe if he is more open with her and tells her more about what is happening in his life, she will see that as him taking the first step and it will work out. I can only hope.
Kevin was pretty torn up about the Anne situation. I told him to consider giving up on the relationship, and if he decides to keep trying to give Anne some room and then go for it again. Leave her alone for a week or two then see if she wants to try. I don't know if it was good advice, but it was the best advice I could give.
On the up side, Brian posted again YEAH. Grrr, it's not very fun still loving your ex even when you have been broken up almost a year. I guess it means that I realy did love him though so that much is good. (well or at least care for him)
Oh also on the upside, Anne found my w2's YEAH. Now I can do my taxes.
|Friday, April 25th, 2003|
|work performance review
Well I got my performance review from work today.
It seems very acurate and correct. My boss realy knows what's going on with me. That makes me feel good.
He says in general I have been doing good but I need to work on taking inisiative and looking for not so obvious causes of things.
That's right on and something I have been thinking myself.
So while it wasn't great it wasn't bad and it was acuarate so I am happy.
Also he says they have a project in the works for me and that I will probably like it. That makes me happy to.
and Brian posted twice. Real entries that tell me how his life is going. I feel like someone gave me to pieces of candy.
I hope he can pull off the studying. He does so well with so much raw tallent when he only halfheartedly works at it. If he can stay foucesed it will be amazing what he can do. I wish him the best of all possible luck.
(And will be sure not to bug him this week)
|Thursday, April 24th, 2003|
I feel as if my life is ever so slowly.. crumbling. Maybe that's not right. Going out of controle? I constantly feel like I am working through a haze. Everything is a little fuzzy and unclear and I am not quite certain who I am or where I am going. Almost like I am high or drugged. I am always behind and don't feel like I can catch up.
I'm not unhappy. I just can't seem to make myself care about school or doing well anymore. I work at it but it is halfhearted at best.
I will graduate. But will my grades stay at all decent.
And emotional shit is still there. Not bad stuff, just a kinda ache deep inside me.
I miss Allan again. He was buisy monday and tuesday night and I was buisy last night. Maybe I will see him tonight after class. I don't know. I miss talking to him mostly. I am trying to spend Sundays with him consistatly and a big part Thursdays and some of fridays. But I am running out of time.
I think I am going to drop my sat gaming group. I like the poeple in it but I just don't have time for everything. I don't know maybe I should wait till summer and see then. Although I am thinking of getting another part time job this summer.
I want to go to Japan and that takes money.
I miss Brian, not in an active way but in a way that rejoices that he posted, and then reads that it isn't much of a post, nothing realy about how his life is going, and then feels a little dead on the inside. (It's not a sharp kinda pain but rather the kind that feel as if you have a large heavy rock in your stomach, just sitting there. It's heavy and weighs you down but it realy doesn't hurt.)
At least Walter is happy.
I finished one cs project just to try and finish another. Sighs.
I bet this is how Brian feels a lot of the time, apathetic but pretty sure things will at least work out ok.
What I actualy did yesterday,
Failed an oral exam for Japanese.
Finished a programing project for AI.
That's about it. Slept.
That was my day.
What I did tuesday.
Whent to class. Worked on a programing project for AI.
Slept. Hung out with Walter. Called Allan but he was listening to music.
I don't remeber what I did monday. I don't seem to care.
I need to get my car fixed but don't have the money right now. :(
I don't know when I will have the money. I guess if I don't spend a lot on food my total expenses for a month are 900 and my intake is 1140. That should help some.
I don't know how I am going to pay for summer school. I need to do my taxes and I need to do the fafsa. I better ask for my w2s again because I can't find them. That sucks. I thought I knew exactly where they were.
|Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003|
Today has been .. interesting so far.
The morning will almost certainly be the high part of my day.
Today at work I got a "go figure out where your going to work after this. talk to people for about an houre and find out what project you want to work on then come talk to me" from my boss. It was a little stressful at first but then I came up with some stuff I might enjoy doing. We will have to see. At least I came up with a few things that look ok. One looks fun but I don't think I'm gona get it.
Other than that I am going to a meeting at 10 and I get off at 11.
I have an oral in Japanese today. :( And a reading test tomarrow.
My project for AI is due thursday but I think I am on top of that.
|Tuesday, April 22nd, 2003|
I feel strangly restive today. Just having trouble focusing. It's not that anything is wronge realy. I am just having a realy hard time focusing on anything much.
I have class today at 2:20. Maybe that's it. I thought we were in dead week and we are not yet? I realy don't know for sure.
Classes are going some better. Not great but not horrible. I am still probably going to fail my oral exam in Japanese.
I may be going to japan this summer. That would be fun. We shall have to see though. Money is going to be the main consideratation for that.
I'm going to ask for more houres at work. Nods. But they may not give them to me and I may have to get another part time job for the summer. No big deal.
Allan was buisy last night so we didn't hang out. :(
Walter's not feeling to well. I hope he does better. Headachy and sore and the like.
I have been pretty much loafing around not doing a lot lattely. At least I talked to Mitchell for a while last night. Yeah.
Brian posted. Yeah. (Yeah it's sad and pathetic that that still makes me so happy but it does and if anyone has a problem with it they can deal :p )
How evil are you?
|Monday, April 21st, 2003|
well the weekend was good. I should have done hw but I didn't. Oh well.
Other than that my day isn't going verry well. I feel sleepy and gorgy because I let my sleep schedule get all messed up this weekend by staying up way to late.
Then I didn't bring my backpack to work so I don't have the instructions for how to log onto prolog on the unix machines so I can't work on stuff.
And I had a realy silly nightmare about Brian. He had a patch from BoyScouts and he was trying to fix it. I tried to help without his permission and totally messed it up. He didn't yell at me or anything but gave me this look of "your compleatly useless and destructive." And I woke up with my heart beating way to fast.
My subconsious aparently works in very misterious ways.
Spent most of the weekend with Walter and Allen. Lots of time talking to both of them. That was good although more homework doing on my part would also be good.
School feels kinda surreal what with good friday and redefined days and all of that. I guess it will be over soon. I hope I can hang on long enough to squeek through this semester. I should be able to get a new fresh start next semester but this one I just feel so very very .. . tired.
|Friday, April 18th, 2003|
Walter thinks I don't want him around this weekend? Strange. That's not true I just don't want/shouldn't go to Nackadosuts (sp?). I do actualy want to meet his other friends, but I have a few comitments here and some homework to do. Although now that my project has been postponed I am tempted .. . .
But at the same time he needs to be able to be away from me for a weekend. I'm loving having him around all the time, but he relies on me being there too much. I like being there for him but I don't want him to be dependant.
I hope he finds a job soon. He realy needs one. It's getting to the point where I would almost say get a crappy job, but at least something to bring in money for a little while.
I spend yesterday evening hanging out with Allen.
It was pretty cool. We listened to music and talked. I'm a little worried about him but he seems basically ok.
It's so nice not to be under pressure for a while. Yeah! This makes me happy.
Classes are going. Although I think my grades are going to be bad this semester. (B's and C's)
Anne's rats are cute.
|Wednesday, April 16th, 2003|
I have to much stuff to do and not enough time.
Japanese test today.
Project that should take a week due tomarrow. I haven't started.
and school is coming to a close and I just want it all to go away.
Walter seems to be doing ok. Good for him.
Miss Allen but haven't had time to see him. :(
But I will this weekend. NODS
Other than that not a lot.
Why do the Japanese talk about air tempurature specifically though? Sighs
Allen and Walter are striking sparks off each other. That sucks. I just hope it calms down eventually.
|Tuesday, April 15th, 2003|
Neither of you can protect me from myself. Allen you can't protect me from Walter. Walter the best way to protect me from yourself (this used to say you can't protect me from yourself) is to get your act together. I think you guys both know that but just to make it clear.
It is my responsibility to look out for myself. And I will do so and am doing so to the best of my abilities. The only thing you two can do is to be there for me when I screw up. (I understand if you don't want to be, I screw up a lot)
Allen I don't think your an asshole or any of the things that Anne has been calling you. Your my best friend I care about you (and love you also for that matter) and I'm sorry that you have felt attacked and not able to reply.
Walter I don't agree with Allen's interpretation of the situtation. I don't think your doing anything wronge with regards to your situation. I do want you to be more careful and not get into so much trouble, however once you are in trouble your actions are just fine. Your doing your best, and no its not a big deal for me to help you. I wont help forever (even if you are doing your best the whole time) if you don't get better, but you have been doing better slowly.
(for instance I'm still thrilled you aren't speeding anymore)
I'm also sorry I haven't said something sooner, I understand you have been feeling atacked and like you couldn't respond.
It seems like we should talk more. It seems to me like you have some things you still need to say to me. I know I haven't been around much. I'm sorry I have been buisy latley. I have several things due on wed/thursday however after that we should get together and talk after then or if you want we can do so before that. You're more important than school work.
If you still want to say something to Walter you should probably talk to him dirrectly, it has a better chance of actualy working as comunication and it's more fair because he can respond (It could be in person or I could get you his email or whatever ICQ etc.)
If we should all talk together we will figure out something. (not quite sure how or what but he's not brian, we could all just sit down and talk if you want, or we could set up a chat room or whatever)
Anne, this realy isn't doing anyone any good. It just puts more emotion into the situtation. I understand that Walter is your friend to and you want to defend him, however I think this is something mainly between the 3 of us or the two of them. I just think you add more complications. (I know I didn't say that in person but you were giving me advice that seemed to have merit and I knew that if I told you to back off at the time you probably wouldn't give it to me. and of course you can say whatever you want to me that's between us and totally your perogative.)
And just so you know I think you have a lot of good points. Like the fact that I'm not lying but I'm not trying my hardest to make sure everyone understands everything when it makes me look bad, and that is not good for anyone. I will work on that. This is a start.
And believe it or not this post is actually mostly because of the advice you gave me. Its an attemp on my part to get controle of the situation and to makesure everyone understands the whole truth. And wonse everyone understand the whole truth I think they will all see that they are all good people, just with conflicting interests and some misunderstandings.
|Monday, April 14th, 2003|
I don't mind broadcasting my life to the masses.
I'm not ashamed of it and it's easier.
but I wonder sometimes if it is right for the other people involved.
managed not tell tell Allen about walters situation all day because I knew walter wouldn't like people being told. Even though I wanted to talk about it and I ususally tell everything to Allen. Yeah for me. (maybe it's a little sad to be yeaing about that but it actualy took effort. Hopefully it will be easier next time. I'm just used to sharing almost everything with allen)
And then my effort was spoiled. Walter called andy who called me at allens. I whent into the other room but it didn't matter. Allen has good ears.
Ah well. I tried.
If you don't know what's up. tough
you can ask walter if you realy want
but he'll probably just tell you you don;t need to know
wich is true
|Friday, April 11th, 2003|
had a long long talk with Allen last night.
That was good. I don't know exactly how much it resolved, but there was a huge wall before, and now there is only a medium one.
I hurt Allen, but then again what do you expect? He stated it very calmly and rationaly.
He feels a little like Walter didn't play fair. I guess that's because he didn't believe that Walter didn't understand what was going on between he and I.
He doesn't blame me, which is kinda odd. He wants me to just go about acting normal. Not compleatly possible, but I can try.
Also had a talk with Anne. That didn't go as well. But oh well both of us coming to the conclution that it's not going to work and that we only have to live together for a little while longer. I guess that's ok. And I don't want to push to much to get close to her, because I figure she doesn't want me to close because she thinks I would hurt her again wich I probably would. So it's probably better this way.
|Wednesday, April 9th, 2003|
I didn't go to class, I didn't study, I didn't even read more than half the chapters and I STILL make a 77 on my econ test?
Thats just sad people. SAD
and there are people failing this class.
Some buiness majors must realy be stupid.
|Monday, April 7th, 2003|
|just when you think part of you is dead... .
Wow I miss Brian. That's random isn't it. Just when I was thinking his last post had finnaly killed that. I could have sworn that my feeling for him were dead. (not that I didn't love him but that I had accepted that I would never be close to him again) For the past week and a half I haven't realy cared. It has just been the way it is.
I don't want to miss him. I have been trying so hard to stay out of his life.
But now that the imediate crisis is over I miss him again. Now in a heart rending way, just in a deep sad kinda way. And it's not even an issue what he thinks of me. I accept what he thinks of me. I am beginning to respect myself again inspite of it, and it would be nice if he thought better of me, but that's not what I want. What I am realy missing is just hearing about how he's been and what he's up to.
I miss Allen also, but I will see him as soon as school isn't killing me anymore. Sighs. School is eating my lunch right now. It didn't like being pretty much compleatly ignored for a whole week in the middle of the semester.
Walter and I are doing good. I am a little afraid we are spending to much time together. Not realy from my side but at this point I am pretty much his life, and that's just not healthy.
Anne and I. We appear to be getting along about like normal.
I'm hungry but I don't have time for breakfast.
I don't know what I am going to do to help walter.
But I do know what I am doing today after class. Homework for networking. And tomarrow after class? Homework for AI. And the day after that and the day after that and the day after that.... .
note at 10:56
warm fuzzy feeling and tears at the same time
damn irrational emotions